I’m not being awkward

I’m ok, I’m still me, yet we’ve hit that stage that we are going in different directions.

Most of you guys are all in same school, you all have that one thing in common. Plus you’ve always known one another.

Me, I joined your group, I fitted in when they were all babies even though Z’s the oldest.

We’ve had laughs, and if it wasn’t for you guys we wouldn’t have done half of what we’ve done and accomplished.

I’ll always be thankful for everything we’ve done. For being there for us through everything.

I’m not leaving, just because I can’t do certain places I will always try my best. I know Z struggles in groups, he’s not used to it, even in school it’s small numbers.

Its that little harder for me, remember when they were all around 18 months 2 years of age, and you were constantly following, constantly watching, constantly panicking about what they were going to get up to next, were they going to attack anyone, were they going to run, were they going to be ok in that big wide world if you just sat at the side in soft play trying to enjoy that sneaky coffee?

Remember those feelings? Those thoughts?

That’s me now.

I’m back there. I’ve gone back in time, not because I never went there the first time, but because now we’ve hit it.

But Z is bigger now. He’s not that cute little toddler that people say oh don’t worry when he’s clawing at someone’s face for eating. Now it’s much harder, he’s much bigger than the children he’s attacking.

Bare with us, we’re not leaving you for our new friends.

As much as my new friends are great they’ve not been there from the start. They may get us much easier, may understand us but they are not replacing you.

We need our two groups. Not only I but Z too.

Z knows everyone, and he’s happy in both groups, his school friends get him, accept him, I’m not saying the others don’t but they are not around it all day.

Full days start to stress him out. Not sure why, he was always ok. Some days are easier that others, some days I can come places others I can’t. Some days he’ll sit and eat food other days he won’t. Sometimes I can order food only to have it as an unofficial take out.

That’s what the other group understand. They understand that I may need to leave, I may have to run away, they understand I’m not leaving. I’m not giving up.

Go back again, remember the places we went, why we went to those places? The clean changing room, the safe places, the closed places, the places we could always see them when they were toddling about, when learning where they fit into this world. I still need that. I know I can’t get it all, but I need the safety side of it more. I need to make sure he can’t escape, he can’t get out, he can’t get lost. I wouldn’t wish getting lost on any child, but if they can at least say their name surely loosing them at 4 is better than loosing them at 18 months? Of course not loosing them at all is much better! Go to these places and ask yourselves would you have attempted it with an 18 month old?

Now I’m not sure where I’m heading, the lack of routine has had a knock on effect on sleep which again will have a knock on effect on what we can achieve.

So far I’m pleased with where Z is at how far he’s come and what he can get done on some days.

I enjoy our days out, our nights out, our random adventures. I hope they will continue for as long as possible. It’s just that little bit harder for us. No, I’m not being awkward, I’m not being funny, I’m not leaving you for my other group. For now we need our two groups for different reasons. Im sure as our journey progresses there’ll be lots of people entering and leaving our lives. Some will stay I know that and some will go I’m prepared for that too.